Sunday, June 20, 2010

Friendship... or Force of Habit?

This is mostly just my thoughts again... but I ended up getting a lot of feedback on the last post, so I'll go with it and post anyway. I think the more real I am here, the more people can relate to it and maybe get something out of it... we'll see.

Recently I lost touch with a really close friend of mine. I say "lost touch" because I don't have a better phrase the situation-- it's a long story, and honestly, I don't care to relate it, so please don't ask-- but I think you have to know that for this thought to really hit home. It hurts a lot to lose a friendship. If you ever have, you know what I mean, and if you never have, I hope you never experience it. The worst part is the silence, the not talking to someone you really, REALLY want to talk to. That's how it is with this friend of mine. But you know, it's got me to thinking... how long can I go without talking to God and not really notice or care? I could tell you almost exactly how long it's been since I talked to this earthly friend, but the One who should be my BEST friend, the One who loved me so much He DIED for me even as I rejected Him, the One who created me, sustains me, gives me salvation... how long has it been since I talked to Him? Am I desperate to tell Him what's going on in my life? What my problems are? My triumphs? Do I miss talking to Him when I don't? And do I care what He has to say to me? Do I bother to study to see what His message to me is?

I wish I could answer "yes" to all of these questions, but the truth is... I can't. Yes, I pray. Yes, I read my Bible. But I think I kind of treat it like a checklist, and not a relationship. It's more force of habit and expectation than that I actually WANT to do the things I should do. Shouldn't my relationship with God be to the point where He literally is my Best Friend? Like if something good happens, my first thought should be to thank God for it. If something bad happens, my first thought should be to tell God about it. If I need help, my first thought should be to ask God for it. If I need advice, my first thought should be to go to His Word. I mean, really, my friends are utterly fantastic. I love them more than I can say. You guys reading this, you know who you are... HP, AV, RA, NA, MM, KB... I could go on until the Lord comes back. As close as I am to you guys though, I need to be closer to God. If I'm not even as close to Him as I am to the earthly friends that He's blessed me with, no matter how awesome and amazing and Christlike they may be... that's a problem. The truth is, I'm not there yet. That's where I want to be, and where I should be, and I'm trying to get there. I'd greatly appreciate your prayers in getting there.

Here's what I've learned: God never leaves. No matter what, God is there. He's the one Friend that is always there to talk to, no matter what time of the day or night. God loves you unconditionally, even though you hurt Him by sinning, even though you don't even begin to deserve His love. God is a rock. You can lean on Him when there's no one else to lean on. And no matter what happens, as long as you walk with God and stick with Him, He'll make everything work out for the best.

Thanks for listening, everyone... this was Green Eyes at her core.

"I love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." -Psalm 18:1-2

"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you.
No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you." -John 15:13-15

~green eyes

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Who Am I?

This post isn't so much an article as just thoughts... so bear with me. :)

Lately I've kind of been wondering who people think I am. To some people, I'm the brain from school. To others, I'm the girl at church with the really long hair. Maybe I'm the girl who sings really loud. Maybe I'm the girl with glasses. To some of you, I might just be a green and black computer screen, because all you know of me is what you see on this blog. Maybe I'm the girl you see at church or at school but don't really talk to. Maybe I'm one of your best friends. I hope some people (okay, I hope LOTS of people) think I'm a nice girl who's got her head on straight. I might have hurt some of you. Maybe some people think I'm annoying. Maybe some people can't stand me.

Just a couple of thoughts:
1) No matter what my reputation is, no matter who you think I am, whether good or bad, God knows exactly who I am. In fact, He knows me better than I know myself. He knows if I'm a "pew sitter" or if I'm truly worshipping. He knows what I do when I'm by myself. He knows if I'm sincere or not in my love for the people around me.

"For God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." -1 Samuel 16:7

Doesn't my outward appearance include my actions as well as how I physically look? Sure, some people might stereotype me based simply on my outward appearance, but more than likely people judge me based on what they see me do and say. It's very possible to look like a great, spiritual person when you are, in fact, not. I think I struggle with this more than I should. I feel like a lot of people think I'm this great person (not to be full of myself or anything), but in reality, I struggle a lot. My faith falters way more than it should. I'm real good at talking the talk, but can I walk the walk? I'd appreciate your prayers for that.

2) There's one thing I want to be to all of you, no matter who else I am to you. Whether I'm the girl with the long hair or the nerd or whatever else to you, I want people's first thought when they hear my name to be: "Oh, that's the Christian girl." I want it to be *that* obvious what I believe and how I live. I want my name to be inseparably linked to the Lord and his church. And if I'm resented or disliked, as weird as it sounds, I want to be resented or disliked BECAUSE I'm a Christian. Not that I want anyone to resent Christianity, but I want that to be the only fault people can find with me, because that's not an actual fault, if that makes any sense... it makes sense in my head. Even if you're my best friend in the whole world and you have millions of other connotations with my name, I want you to be able to honestly think, "Oh, her. That's the friend I can look up to spiritually, that will always give me good spiritual advice and bring me closer to God."

Now, don't get me wrong, none of this is on any of you. I'm not telling you this is how you're supposed to think of me. I have to EARN that. I have to get to the point where you can't help but think of me that way. That's my goal.

"I have been crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ lives in me; and the life that I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." -Gal. 2:20

Thanks for reading my ramblings... ~green eyes :)